Every Time Bones Walked In On Jim And Spock
by yaoininja
Summary: A list of every time Bones walked in on Jim and Spock. 'It all started one day in the mess hall...' Hilarity, rated M for sexy scenes and unintentional, horrified voyeurism. McCoy Bones , Kirk/Spock
1. It Begins

**My first update since...10/5/08! Good lord what have I been doing? It feels good to be back in the game with my new favorite fandom :3**

**To see what I had in mind for the observation deck, go to YouTube and type in 'Star Trek Observation Deck', it's the first one, 'TOS Observation Deck'. It's a 3D model.  
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**This is just pure crack that came to me when I was trying to go to sleep last night, and I though it was hilarious. Each chapter will be more or less connected, but not in chronological order, aside from this first chapter. I just absolutely love it when Bones is thrown in just to be horrified at Spock and Jim's relationship, it cracks me up. Basically, this is 'All the times that Bones walks in on Jim and Spock and is horrified out of his mind'. This first chapter is a bit longer than the others will be, just to get it goin. They may get a tad racy, so M to be safe. Hope you enjoy ;)**

It all started one day in the mess hall. You see, Leonard McCoy can be pretty observant. He can catch small things here and there, but without any reason to look, a lot of things can slip by him. So if he hadn't overheard a conversation between two ensigns one day, this never would have happened. He would have gone on with life, blissfully unaware of what was happening, and life would have been good. Well, as good as life can get when hurdling through the vacuum of space inside a pressurized tin can.

He was sitting in the mess hall, staring suspiciously at a pile of replicated mashed potatoes on his plate when something caught his ear.

"Are you kidding me? Have you seen them? They are _totally_ hooking up, and if they're not they will soon enough." He snorted, damn gossip. He supposed there wasn't much to do as far as free time went, anyway. He continued on scrutinizing his food.

"I just don't buy it. I mean, they're friends, everyone can see that. Just because they spend a lot of time together doesn't mean they're dating. If it does, apparently me and you are going steady." A bark of laughter behind him, then:

"You should _see_ they way the captain looks at him. It's like, the sweetest look I have ever seen. I wouldn't have believed it myself if it weren't for what I saw a week ago."

Wait, hold the phone. Jim? McCoy stopped his fork from where it hovered in front of his mouth and listened more carefully.

"What happened a week ago?" the male ensign asked eagerly.

"I was walking down the hall and happened to pass by the commander's quarters right as the captain showed up. He was wearing glasses, which I thought was really weird, but he looked reeeaally good but that's besides the point. So the commander answers the door, and completely freezes when he sees the captain. Like, for a Vulcan, he looked completely floored. And so he's staring, and the captain says 'Ready for our game?' and the commander says, 'Jim, you are wearing glasses'."

The last part is done in a lame mimic of Spock's speaking manner, and McCoy would have probably laughed if he wasn't frozen in terror at what he was potentially about to hear.

"And so the captain kind of just smiles at him, you know, and says that he got them from Dr. McCoy because his eyes hurt when he read for too long, and he was wearing them because he wanted to go over some reports with the commander, and I saw that he was carrying some PADDs with him."

McCoy remembers prescribing Jim glasses, thus adding validity to the story. This scared him further.

"_Then_ the captains flashes this huge grin and says 'why, do you think they're sexy?'" The male other ensign just kind of laughs at the female's enthusiasm.

"That doesn't mean anything, you know how the captain is-"

"Wait! I'm not done! Then the commander _smiles_, well I mean a smile as far as the commander is concerned, and he says 'it is not entirely impossible'. I just about _died_!"

McCoy drops his forkful of mashed potatoes with a dull 'thump' on his plate, staring ahead blankly in horror. Good _god_.

The male ensign is laughing so hard McCoy's afraid he'll break something.

"Oh my god, the commander? No! The day the commander flirts with the captain is the day I romance a Klingon."

"Well, you'd better buy some tribbles cuz I saw it!"

"What happened then?"

"It was _hilarious_, the captain's face! His eyes got huge and his mouth just kind of hung open in shock, then he laughs and punches the commander in the arm saying 'you _kill_ me, Spock'. And when he walked in, the commander totally check out his _ass_!"

"You're just exaggerating now."

"I swear it! I swear on my life he did, he looked down and bam! Staring right at it. Then he noticed I was kinda just standing there in the hall staring at him, and he stared back which scared the bejesus outta me so I saluted and more or less ran away."

The male ensign was laughing again, and he heard a loud sound that he assumed was him slapping the table.

"Oh my god, that's great."

"So ever since then, I've been watching them. It's like 20 times better than anything you can find on the nets. And now, I see everything I never noticed before. The way they look at each other, the longing stares."

"I think you have a little too much estrogen pumping through your veins." She snorted.

"Just watch them from now on, you'll see. Just watch."

McCoy has had quite enough of these lies and blasphemy. He stands abruptly, his food completely forgotten and he storms from the mess hall. He passes the two ensigns, and stares at them with an evil glare that could melt a hole in the side of the ship. They shrink back in fear, and McCoy feels a little pride. But it's nothing in comparison to the feeling of doom building in his chest.

And so now, it's all he can do not to see what he hadn't seen before.

He goes to the bridge to try and drag Jim down to sickbay for his immunizations that he's been putting off_ all month_, and when he steps out of the turbolift it's just in time to see Spock hand Jim a PADD, and he sees the look that passes between them. Jim is smiling, like they are sharing some sort of inside joke, and while the Vulcan's face remains seemingly impassive he can see the humor in his eyes and the slight upturn of his lips. McCoy freezes, then pushes the thought from his mind.

No, you're losing it, old man.

Then again the next day in the mess hall. They are all on break, and everything is pretty normal as far as a day on the Enterprise goes.

"Hey, can someone pass me that PADD?" Nyota asks, motioning to a PADD in front of Jim and Spock. They both reach for it at the same time, and Spock accidentally puts his hand over Jim's. He quickly pulls it back.

"Sorry, Spock," Jim says, smiling at him.

"No need to apologize, Captain," Spock replies. Jim hands the PADD to Nyota and they begin to talk about the upcoming diplomatic mission, something about tentacles and proper decorum, but McCoy is staring at Spock, who seems to be fixated on the hand that touched Jim. He just stares at it, then rubs it lightly with his other hand and smiles.

Oh. My. God.

"Keptain, I sink ze doctor is broken." Everyone turns to look at McCoy, who appears to have short circuited.

"Bones?" Jim says,leaning over the table and waving a hand in front of him. Nothing.

"He is looking like he has suddenly realized something wery awful."

"I agree," Sulu said, leaning forward to stare down the table at the doctor.

"No!" Everyone freezes at McCoy's outburst. He stands suddenly.

"Bones? What in the world-" he freezes as McCoy points a finger at him.

"I said no, Jim!" He turns and walks away briskly, muttering something about space madness and Jim being the death of him. Everyone just kind of blinks, then slowly turn back to their meals.

"When was the last time the doctor underwent a psychological evaluation?"

"I don't know Spock but I think it may be time for another one," Jim says, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Nyota looks equally worried.

"Jim, I think maybe you should go check on him later. Make sure he hasn't taken nurse Chapel hostage." Chekov laughs.

Jim walks into sickbay after his shift and goes about looking for McCoy.

"Ah, nurse Chapel, nice to see you safe." She looks at him with a weird smile.

"Um, thank you Captain. The doctor's in his office." Jim smiles.

"Thanks." He walked in, not bothering to knock and finds McCoy sitting in the dark at his desk, his head down.

"You nauseate me," he murmurs, and Jim stiffens.

"Excuse me?" he says warily. McCoy sits up and points.

"_You_ with your mushy lovey dovey thing. And of this whole damn ship of people- you know what? I don't want to think about it." He puts his head back down.

"Hey Bones, when's the last time you had your psych eval? Because I have no idea what you're talking about." McCoy raises his head again.

"Ah, you'll see soon enough. I just don't want to have anything to do with it." He scrubs a hand over his face then stands.

"Oh, and Jim, I've been meaning to talk to you about something." He walks over to the captain.

"Uh, sure Bones, what ab-_goddammit_!" He yells as a hypo is jammed in his neck. He rubs furiously at the area while McCoy tries to suppress a grin.

"I _know_ you get some weird sadistic pleasure out of doing that, you bastard," he grumbles.

"See you tomorrow, Jim." Jim walks out of the office, and McCoy is sure he hears him say something about betrayal and hypo fetishes. Once gone, McCoy slumps down in his chair. Maybe he _is_ just imagining it, that damn stupid conversation has planted some sort of seed in his head and he's letting it drive him insane. He pulls out some PADDs and starts filling out medical charts.

"It's so great to finally get a _break_." Jim and Spock are sitting in the observation deck, staring out at space.

"After the stresses of the past few days, I am sure all of the crew members are enjoying the lull in activity." Jim looked over at Spock with a huge smile, but Spock continued to look out at the stars, a serene expression on his face. Jim sat back against the bench, and let out a relaxed sigh. He could feel the waves of heat emanating off of his first officer who sat no more than a foot away, and his smile widened.

The stars shone softy against the blackness of space, and Jim could name a few planets in his mind among the many points of light. Jim's hand that rested on the seat between him and his first officer slid over slightly, towards Spock, then stopped again. Spock's eyes glanced over at the movement, then quickly back to the window before the captain noticed.

"I find that I, too, am enjoying this time." Spock glanced over at Jim and his lips quirked up slightly, then he turned forward again. Jim gaped for a moment, then blushed and shifted slightly on the bench.

"Well Mr. Spock, if I didn't know any better I'd say you were trying to seduce me." He meant it as a joke, in his nervousness it just sort of slipped out, and it was said before he could stop himself. Despite the terror in his chest he turned to see Spock's reaction, and the sight that met him made his heart stop. Spock was looking at him, but with those _eyes_, dark and smoldering in the dark, his lips slightly parted and he could feel all that attention solely on him. He swallowed, his throat dry.

"It seems that my attempts at subtlety have been futile." Jim's eyes widened impossibly and his mouth hung open, staring back in the dark at that gaze that threatened to consume him.

"I...what?" And Spock was scooting closer, and he held his breath, his hands gripping the seat under him like a fifteen year old girl, dammit, but he couldn't bring himself to move or say anything, for fear he would suddenly wake out of some beautifully cruel dream. The commander placed a hand over the one on the seat between them, and Jim loosened his grip. Placing his index and middle fingers over Jim's, Spock moved them slowly up and down, coaxing him to turn his hand palm up, and when he slid them along the soft skin between the fingers Jim's breath hitched.

Spock stared into Jim's eyes as he moved his fingers along Jim's hand, over the knuckles and along the wrist, slowly, gently, and Jim felt like he was about to melt right there on the bench.

"This..." Spock whispered, leaning in close to speak into Jim's ear. "Is how Vulcans kiss." His breath was hot on his skin, moving lower to puff out against his neck, and Jim shut his eyes tight and shivered. Then he felt a hot, wet mouth against him as Spock placed an open mouthed kiss to his neck. His eyes rolled back and he arched slightly, his hand shooting out to grip Spock's thigh. He moaned.

He was breathing fast, his blood was pounding in his ears and he felt his pants tighten impossibly. He panted as the mouth moved lower to suck at the juncture where his shoulder met his neck, letting out small noises and when Spock bit down lightly and raked his teeth over the sensitive flesh, he jumped and his hips bucked of their own accord.

"Oh, fuck." He felt Spock smile against his skin.

"Not yet." His eyes rolled again and he groaned, the hand on Spock's thigh tightening.

"You're going to kill me." He felt a puff of breath that he knew was a laugh, then Spock moved in front of him, pushing him back against the bench as Spock crawled over him. Jim fisted his hands in the blue material of Spock's uniform and pulled him forward into a kiss, their lips sliding together a bit clumsily but he was James T. Kirk, dammit, not some love-struck teenager. He was going to blow Spock's _mind_. They kissed, gently at first then deeper, Jim was reaching behind Spock to grip the hem of his shirt and then he pulled it up and they parted so he could hurriedly pull it over his head, and it was quickly followed by both undershirts. The crashed back together, tongues and lips and teeth, and now it was Spock's turn to wrestle Jim's shirt off, realizing that he wasn't wearing the standard issue black undershirt. He raised an eyebrow and Jim grinned, pulling him back down.

The captain reached back to grope Spock's ass, to which he was greeted with a groan. His hips bucked at the sound, brushing his first officer's and they both gasped. Spock explored the planes of Jim's chest, his fingers tracing smooth skin, the lines of his pectoral muscles and when his finger brushed over a nipple, Jim about died.

"_Shit shit shit shit." _Hishead was thrown back against the wall, his hands gripping Spock's ass, pulling him in, pulling him closer. Before he knew it Spock ducked his head down and took that nipple in his mouth, rolling it on his tongue and then gently scraping his teeth against it.

"Oh _fuck_," he moaned, hips jerking wildly. "Yes, yes. Oh fuck _me_." Spock continued to suck mercilessly, the sounds that his captain was making were shooting straight to his cock. He was straddling one of Jim's legs, his left leg was between Jim's on the floor, his right bent on the seat on the opposite side. He shifted, climbing completely on the floor between Jim's splayed legs, pulling his mouth away from Jim's chest. He moved lower to press soft kisses along his stomach, nosing the soft hair on his lower belly that trailed beneath the top of his pants. Spock's hand moved to the clasp, and a choir of angels sang in Jim's head. They hear the swish of a door and they snap their heads over just in time to see someone step in.

"Jim, Nyota said you were up here, I-SWEET HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND RIGHTEOUS." McCoy dropped his stack of PADDs and he stared in complete and utter horror. Jim turned bright red while Spock calmly stood and brushed down the nonexistent wrinkles of an imaginary shirt, but otherwise seemed unfazed. McCoy flung an arms over his eyes and desperately tried to find the exit without the use of his vision.

"I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW. What did I _say_, Jim? What did I say!"

"Bones! I-"

"NO, Jim! I said no!" He finally managed to find the doorway and quickly fled the area. Jim considered calling nurse Chapel to make sure he didn't try to fling himself down a turbolift shaft.

"I assume that you did not use the captain's override to lock the doors."

"Nope."

They sat there for another moment, then looked at each other.

"You quarters or mine?"

"Either will be agreeable." The haphazardly gathered their clothes, pulling them on clumsily (well, Jim did anyway) and half ran to Jim's room, ignoring the two ensigns that high fived as they passed.

On his frantic walk back to sickbay, McCoy passed the two ensigns that had more or less ruined his sanity.

"YOU!" he shouted, pointing at them, more specifically, the girl. She looked around then back at the doctor.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?" She looked absolutely terrified, but before she could respond he was off again, shaking his head and muttering to himself. From down the hall they heard 'THE NIGHTMARES. MY GOD, THE NIGHTMARES'.

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TOS observation deck


	2. Worse Than The Petri Dish Monster

**Thank you so much for the reviews :3 They make me happy. I had fun with this, I just like easy writing where there's humor and not a whole lot of plot, but it's still entertaining nonetheless. Hope you enjoy :) **

"They are not." Nyota stood with her arms crossed, talking with ensign Mercado in the hall outside the science lab. The ensign looked around to make sure no one was around before she replied. Mercado and Nyota were designated gossip buddies, and quite enjoyed their time together.

"They _are_. I mean, I wouldn't go around spreading rumors about it," (well, aside from telling Hajim, but come _on_, she had to vent a little), "but I know what I saw. Ask ensign Singh! He agrees with me." Nyota looked unimpressed.

"I think I would _know_ if something was up. I mean, come on, Jim and Spock?" She laughed. "I can't even...well, now that I think about it." She furrowed her brow and turned her gaze towards the ceiling in thought. "They do spend a lot of time together."

"And the touching?"

"Yes, the touching _has_ increased steadily the past few months. I mean, at first Spock barely tolerated the captain's touchy-feely nature, but now he doesn't even mind it. Actually, I saw him rest his hand on Jim's back when he was leaning over to read something on his PADD. Now _that_ was really strange."

"And the _looks_! You've seen the looks, right?" Mercado was rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet.

"I guess they do kind of _look_ at each other..."

"Me and Hajim saw them a couple of days ago! They were half running down the hall looking all disheveled and what not, their hair all messed up. And we had a really weird run in with doctor McCoy, too."

"Yeah, he's been a bit...twitchy...lately-wait, what about them being disheveled?" Her attention snapped back immediately. "Their hair was messed up? Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I would have, but we had that mission with that species with the tentacles and we had to go through this course about the proper way to grab their tentacles if we were to greet them even _though_ most of us weren't even going down, and then the captain beamed back early because he had some weird reaction to the slime on the tentacles, so me and Hajim were on hazmat and we had to put the captains clothes in bio bags and haul them far away from the captain, and of _course_ they make us clean up the goo on the transporter pad. The captain was all covered in hives, and doctor McCoy ran in and did this weird eye twitching thing when he saw me, I think he hates me by the way and I don't know why, so anyway I was sooo busy-"

"Okay yes I remember this, after we were sure the captain wasn't going to die of anaphylaxis we thought it was hilarious." Nyota said, grinning. "It's just, I think I would have noticed, you know?"

"You just have to _look_ for it." They heard a door open and looked over to see Jim and Spock walk out of the science lab.

"It would seem that there is an enzyme in the substance secreted by the tentacles of the Dorandolytes that causes you to experience the reaction that you had two days ago, Captain." Nyota suppressed a laugh while Jim snorted.

"I think Bones is really just in cohorts with the universe to try and get every possible opportunity to jam me with a hypo." The corners of Spock's mouth turned up.

"I find that highly unlikely, Captain." Jim smiled despite himself.

"Well, I gotta go talk to Sulu about getting us to Turanillus VI on time so Starfleet doesn't freak out, as per usual. We still on for our game tonight?" He smiled and wiggled his eyebrows a bit. Nyota raised on of her own.

"Certainly, Captain." But before they parted, they turned so they were nearly side to side in what Nyota assumed was an attempt to shield their hands, and Spock placed his middle and index fingers against Jim's, moving them up and down, to which Jim returned the action. Nyota stared, wide eyed. Mercado looked to them, then back to her.

"What? What are they doing?" she whispered. Jim walked away with a smile and Spock returned to the science lab.

"They kissed," Nyota said flatly.

"What? When?"

"They kissed," she said again, staring at the spot where they had stood. Mercado just looked plain confused. Nyota shook her head and turned to face her.

"It's a Vulcan kiss. That movement they just did with their hands."

"Why would they do it out in public like that?"

"There's not a lot of people on the ship who would know what that was. I don't think they saw us standing here." There was a large machine next to them that was currently cleaning the floor, which would have obstructed their view from where they stood next to the doors of the science station.

"See! I told you they were dating. I'm always right about these kinds of things."

"Yeah, like you were right about Chekov and Sulu," Nyota snorted.

"Hey, you just wait and see. If we can just get that boy liquored up at the Christmas party-"

"I cannot believe that they hooked up. I can't believe I didn't _know_ that they hooked up." Mercado patted her arm.

"It happens to the best of us."

x.x.x.x

Why did he have to go and analyze some god forsaken sample five minutes before his shift ended? He was a doctor, not a ruthless machine. He needed sleep, dammit. So now he had to go all the way to the science lab because of that tentacle fiasco to see if there could be other adverse affects to humans that come into contact with Dorandolytes in the future. He got to the door and grumbled a few profanities as he punched in his Officer's code (why in the hell was it locked anyway? Probably just to make his job harder) and walked in.

The lights couldn't have been at more than 40%, and he squinted in the dark. Well this was just odd. Then he heard a faint, indistinguishable noise. Good lord, did another sample grow exponentially and break out of it's petri dish again? He was about to call hazmat when he heard another noise, like a table being pushed briefly across the floor. Things were just plain weird now, he couldn't handle no haunted ghost ship on top of all the other things they have to deal with on a day to day basis.

He slowly walked further into the room, trying to keep quiet. He heard a muffled voice, not quite speaking but...something. He came to a corner and poked his head around, and froze. Jim was flat on his back on a steel table, his lower legs hanging off the edge. He had a very shirtless Vulcan on top of him, doing unspeakable things to his nipples. Jim was also shirtless and had managed to get his pants around his knees, keeping them pinned together, thank _god_. Spock was using his right hand to tug down his own pants when, in his horrified stupor, McCoy leaned to the side and knocked a beaker off of a shelf. The sound of the glass shattering had to be the loudest sound to have ever come into existence.

Both Jim and Spock froze, looking over at McCoy who, in turn, simply stood there next to the broken beaker on the floor.

In a quick stream of words Jim said: "Bones, please don't yell, because M'Bega says you have high blood pressure and you're at risk for-"

"Cover yourselves, the both of you! Have you no SHAME! We are in a sterile environment, goddammit, not some place for your hanky panky!" McCoy covered his eyes with one hand while he pointed wildly with the other.

"My _brain_, man! How am I supposed to practice medicine if I am constantly battling these visions of you and the hobgoblin crawlin' all over each other like hormone addled teenagers?" He stalks away.

"Bones-"

"Don't look at me, Jim! Your face only reminds me of the terror in my soul!" They heard the swish of the doors and McCoy was gone.

"Jim."

"Yeah?"

"I must remind you that, while I admire your restraint, you should feel free to use the captain's override when necessary."

"It's kind of hard to remember when you have your hands down my pants." A pause.

"Duly noted."

**Reviews make me want to write more, because they fill the void in my heart that was previously filled with slash fanfiction.**


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